We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize