I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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