remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
