I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
