Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
