How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
