you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
