Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
