How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
