i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
