i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
