Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
