Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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