At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize