I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
