Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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