I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
