I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
