she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
