i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
