If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
