Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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