I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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