If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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