yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
