I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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