Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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