I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
