So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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