I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize