pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
