you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
