apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
