I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
