i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
