I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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