Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
