Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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