I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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