Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
