I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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