I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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