i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
