trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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