I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
