I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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