If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize