Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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