I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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