omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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