I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
