How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
don't judge my taste in strippers
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
