My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
