at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
