Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize