i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
