Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
