Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
