I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
